All Yours

New Baby

by johngreen 9 months ago in group Jokes
Last updated 3 months ago.

My friend went to see his sisters new baby… His sister said to him…"would you like to wind him for me" My friend thought her request was a bit harsh…so he just gave the baby a Dead leg instead…

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  1. Nagging_woman

    johngreen Submitted 9 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

  2. Dumbblonde

    johngreen Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    Q:how many dumb blonde jokes are there in the whole wide world? A: Just one… The rest are all true stories…

  3. theagitator Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    A blonde & a brunette jumped from an aeroplane at the same moment without parachutes. Which one hit the ground first? The brunette, because the blonde had to stop & ask the way.

  4. theagitator Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    1st man says ‘My wife is an angel’ 2nd man says ‘Your lucky, mine is still living’

  5. theagitator Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    I went to a wife swapping party last weekend. All I got was a bag of ccrisps.

  6. Wifeswap

    johngreen Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    two men sat upright in a bed next to each other! one man said to the other man… "I don’t think much to this wife swapping lark! Do You?"

  7. theagitator Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    What do you call it when 100 local politicians are jailed for incompetance? A good start.

  8. summer Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    paddy and murphy on a building site, paddy was on the 1st floor and murphy on the 6th floor,murphy fell to his death. health and safety interviewed everyone at work to try and establish what happened,when they sent for paddy and asked him what he thought, paddy says i think he died from V.D cause he past me on the 1st floor and said im a gonareah

  9. Twins

    johngreen Submitted 8 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    Paddy walks into a bar and orders a pint of guiness, a man standing at the bar says "Are you Irish?" Paddy says Oi am indeed!, The man says so am oi! they both have a pint of guiness together.. paddy says Oi’m an O’donnell, the man says Oi’m an O’donell too… they buy an irish whiskey to celebrate the coincidence.. Paddy says Oi’m from Laarn… The other man says.."Be Jeezuz , Oi’m From Laarn too! – They buy more Irish whiskeys and more pints of Guiness. Paddy says Oi lived down Park Grove as a child. The other man says, "Oi cannot belieeeve dis at all".. he added "Oi lived down Park grove too.. in fact I was born at number two Park Grove" ... Paddy was overcome with emotion and bought the whole bottle of Irish whiskey and six more pints of guiness and they sit in the corner talking about their childhoods. Meanwhile the Landlord of the bar walks in and says to the bar person.."Have we got many in?" The bar person replies.."Not many really…Just The O’donnell ‘Twins’ sat in the corner"

  10. Foghorn

    johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    So anyway! If a Tin whistle is made of Tin… What is a "Fog Horn Made of"?

  11. Centaur_apartment

    johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    Annnnd!.....why are they called "Appartments" when it is obvious that they are all stuck together!

  12. johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    Which rotten person actually put the letter "S" in the word Lisp?

  13. 1-cats-eyes

    johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    The man who invented cats eyes down the middle of the road actually saw a cats eyes reflecting in his car headlights and he became a billionaire from this…. BUT! if the same cat was walking the other way…He would have invented the pencil sharpener…

  14. theagitator Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    If olive oil is made by crushing olives,how do you make baby oil?

  15. theagitator Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    How do you know when a politican is lying? You can see his lips moving. The old ones are the best.

  16. johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    I went to the hole in the wall speedbank yesterday and accidently put my doner card in by mistake…it cost me an arm and a leg

  17. theagitator Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    An Irishman,a Scotsmam & an Englishman are on a train. The Englishman says ‘My son was born on St Georges day & I called him George’. The Scot says ‘my son was born on St Andrews day & I called him Andrew’. With that the Irishman says’Thats amazing, wait until I get home & tell Pancake’

  18. JohnHarvey Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    IN A TRIAL IN A SOUTHERN SMALL TOWN.USA THE PROSECUTOR CALLED HIS FIRST WITNESS,A GRANDMOTHER TO THE STAND.HE APPROACHED HER AND ASKED,"MRS JONES DO YOU KNOW ME?" SHE RESPONDED,WHY YES I KNOW YOU MR WILLIAMS,I`VE KNOWN YOU SINCE YOU WERE A BOY AND FRANKLY YOU HAVE BEEN A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT,YOU LIE, YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE,YOU MANIPULATE AND TALK ABOUT PEOPLE BEHIND THEIR BACKS,YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO MUCH MORE THAN A TWO BIT PAPER PUSHER,YES I KNOW YOU. THE LAWYER STUNNED AND NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO POINTED ACROSS THE COURT AND ASKED,MRS JONES DO YOU KNOW THE DEFENCE ATTORNEY?,SHE AGAIN REPLIED,WHY YES I DO,I`VE KNOWN MR BRADLEY SINCE HE WAS A BOY TOO, HE IS LAZY,BIGOTED AND HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM.HE CAN`T BUILD A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE,HIS LAW PRACTISE IS THE WORST IN THE STATE,NOT TO MENTION HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN,ONE OF THEM WAS YOUR WIFE,YES I KNOW HIM. THE JUDGE ASKED BOTH COUNCILORS TO APPROACH THE BENCH AND, IN A VERY QUIET VOICE SAID, IF EITHER OF YOU TWO IDIOTS ASK HER IF SHE KNOWS ME,I`LL SEND YOU BOTH TO THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

  19. JohnHarvey Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    AN IRISHMAN WANTED TO BECOME AN ENGLISHMAN. HE WENT TO THE DOCTOR WHO TOLD HIM THAT THE IRISH PART OF HIS BRAIN WOULD HAVE TO BE REMOVED ABOUT 20%.OK! OIL BE INTO DAT HE SAID.AFTER THE OPERATION THE SURGEON SAID,SORRY WE MADE A MISTAKE AND ONLY LEFT YOU WITH 20%.THE IRISHMAN SAID, " FAIR DINKUM MATE?".

  20. JohnHarvey Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    A BLOND WANTED TO GO FISHING IN MID WINTER SO SHE TOOK A PICK TO BREAK THE ICE.SHE STARTED TO DIG INTO THE ICE WHEN A VOICE SAID,’THERE ARE NO FISH THERE MADAM’, SHE MOVED ON A BIT AND STARTED TO CHIP AT THE ICE AGAIN,AGAIN THE VOICE SAID,“THERE ARE NO FISH THERE MADAM”。THE BLONDE LOOKS UP AND SAYS，“IS THAT YOU GOD？” NO！ SAID THE VOICE，“I`M THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK”。

  21. johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    when i was at school the other kids used to throw big thick solid gold bars at me…the headmaser said its a very severe case of bullion…

  22. johngreen Submitted 7 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    I was locked out of my own home and could see my spare keys hanging on a hook in the hallway! I said to my cat.."Cat..Jump up and knock the keys onto the floor, then bring them to me and pass them to me through the letterbox" The said "Mee….Ow?"

  23. Fight_cartoon

    johngreen Submitted 3 months ago Unsuitable Content? Report it!

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….. so, I took her to a petrol filling station…..

    And then the fight started…..

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office..

    She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too’

    And then the fight started…..

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked,’ Do you know her?’ ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

    ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

    And then the fight started…...

    I rear-ended a car this morning.

    So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

    You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

    Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. he was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!!!’

    So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

    And then the fight started….

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